Welcome back to the inner world of Anna. This is another effort to put myself, my thoughts, and my lived experiences out into the world through writing, photographs, gestures, and practice. Practice, practice, practice. Recently, I met someone I have followed on the internet for many years. Ah, the experience of when a parasocial, primarily one-way relationship with a few very homosexual gestures in the DMs and one package, returned to sender, becomes immediately and unexpectedly face-to-face in the pouring rain. I should preface this with my commitment to myself that I am very actively and intentionally not dating until May 24th, 2025. “No limerence, no merging.” Nonetheless, I am touching into the excitement and compelling energy of a new crush and all the ways it catalyzes me to peacock and show the best angles of myself in selfies and soft-spoken voice notes.
While trying to take in this experience of an electrifying surge of attention from someone I have admired for years, I find myself facing their piercing, unwavering, confident eyes every time I turned around to pick a soggy parmesan garlic fry off the plate they agreed to share with me at a drag show in the middle of nowhere in Western Massachusetts. It was a night filled with pure queer joy at a spontaneous BRAT summer Pink Pony Club dance party. The kind of night you drive home from whispering or yelling to yourself, “Holy shit, manifestation is real” .
I am writing having just arrived back from this whirlwind of a trip to Massachusetts where I had the joy of spending time saturated in deep magic with people I love and am learning to love. I got to lean into the arms of people I have been in community with for over 10 years now, people who without a shadow of a doubt love me and I love them. I sat in a circle of friends and cried my eyes out for the pain and sorrows I felt in the years I haven't seen some of them, and then in turn placed a hand on their back as they unloaded the same. I got to run through the woods with a boy who is so full of magic the sparkle in his eye is unbearable in moments. This and so much more is Massachusetts to me, a home, a place filled with love and permission. A place where I get to lean into trusting the truest nature of myself.
OK, back to the crush energy. What I know for certain about a crush is that it is mostly a lack of information. But how exhilarating that mystery can be. I think a lot of times in my past, crushes have been an indication to myself that I am attracted to a person for reasons that I am unsure of, and that unsure-ness almost always equals passionate romance. Now, as I am two full months into 12 months of being boy/them/girl sober, I can more consciously see that pattern in me and stay in the relationship without fixating on them being the next big love of my life. I get to ask questions like, why have you shown up? What is this attraction about? How can we compose something together with this energy, excitement, and attraction? What is something beautiful that can come out of this cosmic tornado? But also, can we send sweet selfies and voice notes exposing our inner guts, intertwined in ways that inspire one another to expand in our own personal lives, or even post a dancing selfie on a beloved dormant account or revive a newsletter that was a valiant but abandoned effort?
Here, at home In North Carolina, I have recently moved into a house in the country, surrounded by an army of trees standing tall day and night, holding me so diligently, fiercely, and softly that I tear up in morning meditations as I look out and thank them. Here, I have spent time exercising some of the darkest parts of myself that came alive in my last relationship. An exorcism is not for the faint of heart, and what I have learned is that I have never heard or seen any writing or reference to the aftermath of an exorcism. What happens after the connection is cut, the demon is pulled out? The body is left with the mind to tend to itself, no one left to blame or look at but myself. The parts of me that fed off of being a savior, a caretaker, the protector. The parts of me that learned that love looks like control and manipulation, and the parts of me that clung to crumbs when all else was going outward and away, the parts of me that blame and resent instead of claiming and collecting myself, and leaving.
Now more than ever, I turn to myself and my personal practice. Diligent, nervous system tending, relearning of safety and self, breath-work, Qi Gong, imagination, eating well, centering, radical liberation and honesty. From this I bring to you, HOMEBODY, the reason I opened this document in the first place. What is HOMEBODY to me? It is a HOME to house the many aspects and creative expressions of me, Anna M. Maynard: a photographer, a dancer, a movement practitioner, a teacher, a learner, and an artist.
My class HOMEBODY(movement), which happens every Thursday evening at The Bridge in Saxapahaw at 7:30, is a place where I invite you to join me in exploring exercises, techniques, and curiosities I bring to my personal practice. This is a space to invite yourself to be the multidimensional sensing, feeling, exploratory conduit of neurons and atoms and firing electrons, energy, muscle, mass, nervous system, breathing body that it is. Or as Mary Oliver so perfectly said, “let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”
Also, HOMEBODY(photo) is my photography practice. Are you in a transformational time in your life, where you are becoming something new, stepping into an exciting new version of yourself, or absolutely demolished by the unrelenting waves of the universe, or looking for a new LinkedIn headshot to catch the eye of your new future boss? I want to take these photos. I also want to be a part of your creative practice, your artistic generative process, and your quiet personal practice. I want to come into your beloved home that you have curated to suit and reflect you, and I want to take a photo of your perfect pet. I am a damn good photographer and I am here to see and document you in whatever capacity you are willing to be seen, and I'm ready to fill my books.
Thank you for taking this little journey with me, I hope you stay for more and remember you can always lovingly unsubscribe. My deepest appreciation for you.
More magic always,
a.
in awe of you, as always. thank you for sharing. these updates hit home, to the left of my chest bone. heart is warm with love— knowing how you must feel at the embrace of community I understand so well. keep pushing little bug. sending my love <3